


good thing i'm an fbi agent

by snazziestevie



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: M/M, also called the fbi au nobody asked for, and bc im lazy, dan is the only one besides emma who actually does his job, emma strives on coffee, lowercase just for the aesthetics, phil is a weatherman, pj is forgetful
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-08
Updated: 2018-02-08
Packaged: 2019-03-15 13:46:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 1,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13614612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snazziestevie/pseuds/snazziestevie
Summary: dan gets assigned to watch a civilian, too bad for blackery he always gets the exciting ones. EDIT: CURRENTLY BEING REWRITTEN AS OF 3/28/18





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> due to (peer pressure) many requests! my original tumblr ficlet 'the fbi guy au' uploaded here on the archive! all chapters are short seeing how this is the only way i can find myself motivated to do anything, and because it's convenient. you can read the story on my tumblr @snazziestevie. all updates are posted there first! thanks for reading!

dan watched as his boss slammed a pile of papers in front of him. "you have a new civilian to watch, howell" he stated as he stalked off to the main office. Dan shifted his attention to the name on the papers, PHILIP MICHAEL LESTER read the title along with a case number and date of birth. Dan signed as he grabbed them and his cup of tea and made it to the computer he would be working in front of for the next 72 hours of his shift.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> thank god dan didn't hit pj on the head

dan glared at the screen as if it had eaten his burrito, 3:56 the time read, almost fifteen hours and absolutely no activity from lester. dan wondered if his boss would just let him take a short break, after all sitting in front of a computer for 15 hours is actually harder then dan originally hoped. and all in all, the check he recieves from this isn’t all that worth it. at the moment the time shifts to 4:00, the webcam suddenly flicks on and dan is curiously watching a pale skinned man with freckles look straight at his computer.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i love phil's mum so here she is

dan was slightly intrigued, he hadn’t expected lester to log on today, much less at four in the morning. lester was still staring at the webcam as if something was going to jump out and eat him alive, that is, until a older woman entered the small room. “it’s a bit late to be screwin’ around hon” she stated softly. “i know, i just have a few things to wrap up mum, then i’ll go to sleep” the woman smiled as she leaned in to kiss his forehead, “g'night philip”. As the conversation ended, dan felt a bit homesick, London was far enough away from Manchester that he couldn’t go as often as he wanted. His boss tapped him on the shoulder, “it’s break time howell, you hit the bunks for a couple hours and i’ll let blackberry take over for you” “it’s blackery, sir” the agent replied, brows creased. dan yawned as he crawled to the top bunk, careful not to hit liguori.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> emma gets no sleep because of an annoying little shit

"your shift!” blackery said as she hit dan on the head with a pillow from the lower bunk. dan groaned as he rubbed his eyes and checked his watch, 10:00AM it read. “anything exciting happen?” dan questioned as he threw off the thin fabric the bureau liked to call a blanket. blackery rolled her eyes in response “by exciting you mean i had to watch some guy snore for five hours while everyone including the boss left for home?” dan chuckled at her reply as he hit the floor, “better go check on our troublemaker” dan sat back in his squeaky office chair while he checked the servers and lester’s gps. “current location starbucks” but just as dan was about to start some tea, lester’s webcam flashed and was met by someone who definitely was not philip lester.whoever it was with lester’s computer was having a hell of a time looking through his word documents, and was obviously a professional hacker, he was breaking every code and password locked file on lester’s hard drive. “blackery!” dan yelled, as he was busy typing away trying to get facial recognition on the hacker. agent blackery appeared behind him with scruffly hair and smudged mascara, “what’s going on?” she asked as she leaned in to look at the screen. “call brinley, tell him we have a breakthrough on the blue tarantula case!” dan exclaimed, still typing furiously to try to back up lester’s hard drive which included important upcoming news stories for bbc news. “he’s on his way” blackery responded obviously tense, this was the first breakthrough in the blue tarantula case since the infamous hacker exposed a former government employee’s prostitute past. “damn it!” dan said as he pulled his hair in frustration “i couldn’t salvage anything! all of bbc’s documents have been corrupted and the chance of recovery is three to none.” blackery signed as she handed dan her cup of coffee, “you need it more then i do, howell.”


	5. Chapter 5

liguori pulled his jacket off as he groaned, “do you know who could’ve stolen your laptop?” “no idea” the other man replied. liguori let out a tired sign, “give me your name and number and i’ll let you know if we see anything” “phil lester, and put a rush on it! those files on there are top priority!” mr. lester exclaimed as he wrote down his number. “i could be fired for this!” mr. lester muttered in a angry tone. usually, pj would feel bad for this guy, but when he’s been assigned to helping the public and strict desk duty for three months for falling asleep on the job he really couldn’t find himself to care.


	6. Chapter 6

dan watched in horror as he saw the breaking headlines flash on the company’s television. “it has been revealed to us from a source, which we cannot reveal for privacy reasons, that london’s new rising star, dodie clark, may be illegally copying other artists. and while this may be a rumor it certainly can be backed up with additional evidence. i’m your news reporter louise pentland, back to you johnathan.” “turn that garbage off howell!” susan screeched as she entered the building in a dramatic style. everyone was quick on their feet, it wasn’t everyday the very head of london’s fbi team came to straighten everyone out. “i want this mess situated! howell, liguori! i want you two to find where this clark girl lives and interview her! blackery i want you to dig through the blue tarantula case with a microscope! brinley i want you in the main office to discuss how you run this place!” dan hurriedly grabbed his suitcase and liguori’s arm and shuffled out of the building. “she scares me” pj stated.


	7. Chapter 7

dan knocked on the door while pj continiously glared him down, "you knock like a cia agent" he said. dan rolled his eyes at liguori, "it's a good thing i'm a fbi agent then" he responded as he quickly turned his attention to the door. his eyes where met by a man they hadn't seen in months, chris kendall. chris had been a secretary at city hall until the blue tarantula hacker had sent information of him being a former prostitute and had gotten him fired. "what are you here to accuse me of now howell? seeing as you've ruined my life enough already" chris spat out with venom. "we're not here for you" pj said as his eyes trailed off to peek inside the house. chris let out a dry laugh, "oh! so when the fbi isn't after me they're after other innocent people! that's reassuring!" "we never said you were guilty of anything!" pj exclaimed angrily, "yeah well you never defended me either! some friend you turned out to be!" chris bit back. "at least i have enough to stand by dodie when she actually needs me! i won't let another innocent-" "except i'm not!" a female voice interrupted. everyone's attention was quickly averted to dodie, "i illegally copied those records chris! i'm sorry i didn't tell you" she said. dan let out a sign of frustration as he grabbed for the handcuffs "dorothy clark you're under arrest for copyright infringement." "i'm really sorry chris" she mumbled as dan and pj led her to the vehicle, "don't be" chris responded as he moved to shut the door with tears evident in his eyes, "after all, everyone i believe in lies to me at some point."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chris, sweetie i'm so sorry that ugly ass bitch did that to you


End file.
